This is my memoir of being a caregiver for my son, Jesse, born in 1985 with his bladder on the outside of his body. Being a caregiver for almost twenty years took its toll on me as I lost my relationship with my other two children, my health and my marriage. This story is about pain, loss and the search for redemption which included finding myself again. Anyone who has experienced pain and loss should be able to identify with my struggle to come back and find reasons to not just go on, but to really live.