How do I find true forgiveness from myself, but most of all from the God that I had hated? Will God forgive me for all I have done, and will he show me how to truly forgive myself as I have been able to forgive others? Was he a God who would and could forgive me for wishing my pastor's death? I know that he forgave me for my past of incest, prostitution, drug dealing, drug abuse. But even with him allowing me to suffer with mental illness while serving him, he kept my mind. But I couldn't trust him enough to deliver me from this bigger mess that I had become when I decided to turn my back on him. Was he going to give me a second chance? Was he even capable enough to fix me again? Or was it too late?